Reflecting on the goodness of life...

There are times that I am keenly aware of the miracle I experienced last year--when I feel my heart flutter with excitement, when I was recently laying in the emergency room believing that I was suffering related symptoms only to learn that I had only pulled a muscle, and, when I hear about someone who did not have the same speedy recovery. I ran into a friend who told me a story that really touched me. His friend died at thirty three (33) years old after a bout with infection. Apparently he did not respond well to the medication that he received and went into cardiac arrest.

Even though I know that I experienced a miracle, sometimes I take my recovery for granted. Occasionally, I’ll complain about something insignificant. Sometimes, I’ll find myself longing for more money so that I could do something trivial like buy this sleeveless black Prada dress that has been in the past two Neiman Marcus catalogs. And more than once since my event, I have failed to express love in real time because I believe that I can always do it later.

I know that my comfort with life and tendency to take some things for granted is essential for coping. Indeed, when I was a ball of anxiety and tears, I was not very productive or very pleasant to be around. Still, there are times when I need to pause. There are times that I need to remember. There are times when I need to simply thank God that he spared life and allowed me to continue to experience this life so that I can learn, love, and just occasionally take the goodness of a day for granted.

(If you're new to this blog, check out the entries from May 2009 to learn the full story.)

It's a new year!!!

I greeted the New Year with friends, family, champagne, and a kiss. It was a most appropriate end to a year that was punctuated by illness, recovery, and redemption. It was also an inspiring way to begin 2010.

It was a marked difference from last year when my year ended with me party hopping. And began with me greeting the New Year with people that I knew only casually. While I toasted the new year, I really only went through the motions of celebration. There is a certain pressure to be on for New Year’s. Being the overachiever that I am, I rose to the challenge. However, my heart longed for something more meaningful.

Don’t get me wrong, even thought I was glad to be alive and understood that New Year’s Eve is more symbolic than prophetic, I truly believe that New Year’s Eve should be shared with those you truly care about.

This year, I changed my experience by planning a party that gave me the experience that I missed last year. Taking responsibility for my own experience made all of the difference. And even though I cut my finger during the preparation, got a work call that cut my make up time short, and some people couldn’t attend—I greeted the year with love. That truly made all of the difference.

My celebration was joyful, pure and true. I pray that I continue to experience love throughout 2010.

Cheers!

Don't let one set back get you down...

Disappointment comes with living
The alternative is fail to try
Simply do your best each time
Then, don't question why
If you know that could have done more
Next time, even the score

Nobody wins every battle,
But know this isn't a war
Continue to believe in God
You wanted this, but He promises more

We all have different journeys
Your intended blessings always come to you
So don't you fret too much child
One contest doesn't determine your value

Hubris is dangerous to catch
It makes you feel invincible
Sometimes God withholds things from us
To remind us of the true principle

He can provide for ALL your needs
According to His riches in glory
Do not let one "loss"
Keep you from remembering the story

You can't always get what you want
But each time you get what you need
So continue to try and be confident
Know that you will ultimately succeed

On your journey you will encounter trials
Indeed you will experience strife
But learn to rejoice in the victories and setbacks
Because my dear, this is called life.

I long for it to be Christmas again…

I know that it seems a little soon, but I long for it to be Christmas again. I don’t long to spend money, for the unlimited Christmas carols, or the endless parties that come with the season.

Actually, I really do miss the parties.

Seriously, the holiday season is punctuated by the actual holidays, but it defined by the spirit of the season. And, Christmas is a time of renewal and reconciliation. It is as if the world is healed and washed in the blood of forgiveness. Everybody is nicer. People on the street greet you a smile. Sales people are more helpful. Television program are less, as seedy. It is OK to wear sequins to work. And we all are united in our anticipation of the day. The anticipation makes it sweeter. Even though the season almost begins in July now, seeing the decorations, hearing the music, and seeing the countdown on the calendar fills me with more excitement.

People complain about the hustle and bustle of the holidays. However, those who are most busy are those who are loved and those that who love.

I am blessed with a lot of love. So, I try not to complain. My family always reunites at Christmas and our past hurts are erased. It’s as if Christmas transforms us all. My family isn’t a bunch of saints. We are loud, irreverent, and we can be inappropriate. Still, since we are spread around the country the time that we spend together is precious. We revel in it. After Christmas is over, we disperse.

So, I long for it to be Christmas again. Accordingly, I have yet to dissemble my tree or take down my decorations. If you come to my home, you may hear carols, see wrapped presents, and see me baking cookies. I used to laugh at those people who still had their Christmas tree up well after Christmas day. However, I get it.

Even though the holiday is over, the magic still lingers. And really, what is wrong with trying to hold on to something wonderful for a little while longer???

Here's what I have decided. I am keeping my decorations up as long as they make me smile. They might just be up there until July, in time for the beginning of the launch of next Christmas season!

A Holiday Hit...

I have learned that I have the ability to rise to the occasion even in uncertain circumstances.

I succeeded. I wrapped all of my presents, baked all of my cookies and cooked a delicious dinner in time for Christmas.

However, because of all of the angst leading up to Christmas Day, I can't say that I have mastered the holiday routine just yet. Indeed, it is quite likely that I will doubt my ability to make the next holiday dinner. For now, though, I'll revel in my success and do a little victory dance while chanting, "I did not drop the torch! I did not drop the torch! I did not drop the torch!".

Passing the Holiday Torch…

I have often felt inadequate compared to the women who have come before me. They seem so skilled at bringing home the fish, scaling it, frying it, while remaining clean smelling, fresh faced, and always having arms free to hug the children whirling about.

In particular, my grandmother was an amazing cook. She was the kind of cook that other people would ask to make cakes, sweet potato pies and macaroni and cheese for their family gatherings. She managed to cook an amazing meal for us that would stuff us on that day and for days to come. She even managed to have enough for random people to come to “get their plate”. She also had enough for all of the student ministers who often shared their holidays with us because they were unable to travel to be with their own families. She had enough for everybody. And even though she was cooking enormous amounts of food, somehow she always managed to be ready.

In contrast, I have struggled. On some days I can barely pick out an outfit and make it out the door on time for work. Still, I am proud to be an accomplished attorney who serves her client well. However, I have found that the value of a well written memo or brilliant brief is underappreciated on Christmas Day.

This conflict between my professional life and my personal responsibilities is at the heart of my current problem.

It is Christmastime and I am woefully unprepared… Christmas has been on the same day for centuries so I should be ready, but I am not. It’s not that I don’t have presents for my loved ones. I have been shopping since October. It’s one of the few things in life that I know that I am really good at. I actually never put that off. I do it all of the time, online, in brick and mortar stores, through catalogues. If it can be bought, I know how to do it. However, preparation isn’t necessarily the same as being ready. I have an enormous pile of unwrapped presents on my living room floor. And, it’s December 23rd and I am working today and tomorrow.

If wrapping presents was all that I had to do though, I’d definitely be ready. However, it’s not. Historically, I have baked holiday cookies. I have done it so many years that I’m kind of known for it. Somehow I started late this year. To date, I’ve only baked two batches. Even though that’s about ten dozen cookies, it’s not enough. There is still more to do. I should be making at least three more batches to have enough for my family and to share. Will Santa get his cookies? Only time will tell.

However, if wrapping and baking were all that I had to do, I’d actually be ready. I could squeeze both in after work and at lunch. However, those aren’t the only things that I have to do. This year, Christmas dinner is supposed to be at my house. (My mother has been gallivanting around Africa and won’t have the time or energy to cook like she normally does.)

Even though I’m a good cook. I’ve never made Christmas dinner. Generally, my meals are “whatever I feel like making”. Christmas dinner has rules. There’s an expected menu. People, non-cookers, have been making requests for things like macaroni and cheese, oyster dressing, sweet potato mousse, greens—I won’t even bore you with the entire list of requests. The pressure is mounting. Even though I have made each of the requested items individually, I have never made them all for one meal for a meal at my home. However, it is my time. The torch has been passed, but I am afraid that I may drop it.

Since I have to do the wrapping, baking AND cooking, I doubt whether I’ll be ready. I haven’t bought one ingredient for this spread that’s supposed to be served in about 48 hours. Also, for at least 16 of the hours I will be at work focusing on my client--advising, counseling, and drafting documents.

What’s a girl to do?! I’m actually not sure yet. However, I know one thing. I cannot be the girl who ruined Christmas.

Okay good bye blog readers. I have to stop writing now. I have promises to keep and wrapping, baking and cooking to do before I sleep… Wish me luck!!!

MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!

Comfort food on a cold winter's day, yum!!!

I now understand the meaning of comfort food. Its texture soothes you. Its smell makes you feel good. And, its taste is like a warm embrace.

Today, it is blistery cold in Pittsburgh. With temperatures in the twenties accompanied by a brisk and steady wind, it feels like I have died and found myself in Alaska. Of course on this coldest day of the year I had a meeting downtown, which is located miles away from my office. And of course the building where my meeting was located did not have attached parking. So I found myself walking several blocks from the parking garage to the building. When I arrived at the meeting I was cold all of the way through. And even though I tend to eat a vegetable loaded, calorie managed somewhat bland diet. Today, was a little different.

At the end of my cold journey I found that the meeting organizers had ordered baked chicken, macaroni and cheese, mixed vegetables, salad, chocolate chip cookies, brownies, and corn bread. Normally I would have passed on the heartier fare and consumed just the salad. However, today, I loaded my plate with an assortment of goodies, including corn bread. The corn bread actually smelled and tasted a lot like pound cake. The calorie conscious, normal me, would have passed on that too. However, the frozen me consumed it with relish!

This food was ridiculously good. It was like wrapping myself in a warm blanket. It was what I wanted. It was what I needed. It did my soul, my stomach, and my body good. It comforted me in a way that my vegetable loaded, calorie managed somewhat bland diet would not have done.

I made a mental note though. I need wear my down coat so that I don't get so cold during my downtown walks and don't crave comfort food that badly. I can't afford to get comforted like this all winter. I won’t be able to fit my clothes!